Saturday, August 16, 2014

I am pretty sure I'm going to kill myself

I have thought about suicide for as long as I can remember. There has always been a fear and guilt associated with it when the thought crossed my mind. How could I make such a permanent discision? How could I do that to the very few people who actually care about me? Things have changed. The fear is gone and has become a desire. The guilt is waning rapidly. People who want to live will move on. I will be forgotten. I am so alone I realize that it's time. Nobody else to blame. And it just doesn't matter. Nothing about me will be missed for too long. It just doesn't matter. I don't matter.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011


So I know I said I was giving up and I mean that in the sense I will never give myself to another again. The naive view of love and honesty is false (the focus of previous posts) and I am succumbing to the common selfishness that has consumed the rest of society--I will finally ascribe too. Not out of selfishness, but out of protection, for when one gives oneself and is not returned, you are vulnerable. And giving oneself to another is a relationship--to me at least. So I give up giving myself up selflessly to another. And weed too... hence another long overdue dream...

I was with friends. Ridgecrest and Bishop friends. There where leeches everywhere. If they stayed on you too long they would burrow under you skin and you could see them as bulging lines under the skin, predominately on the head. My mom told my had burrowed in to my head. I looked in the mirror and saw a huge leech  running from temple to temple. The temple of entrance began to bleed and soon all veins and arteries passing through the temple began to grow large and a dark crimson. They began to burst and I began to die. Everyone else afflicted came to help and then I woke up.

Saturday, November 27, 2010


Many people think that there is one true love. The fact that there is 6 billion people makes the chances of finding that one is on par with your chances of getting struck by lightning. So therefore, you cannot hope to find "the one" but you can hope to find "a one." A one person who wants to be your one. This is the only hope is that two people meet and WANT the other to be the one. Once, both persons agree they want the other to be the one for them, that desire is all it takes, or rather it must be, if the idea of true love is to be true. So many look for another that will be better without ever considering that what they see in an other is nothing but an illusion of lust. I could go further to prove this point, but anyone who has truly loved, knows the validity of this statement.


There is a chance we may never grow old. The skin may sag but now we have networked minds. The human knowledge is collected in these cyber webs. Growing ever more, catching everything, I fear not the world leaving me behind because I am one with every other mind, all knowledge one could learn, and shall ever remain vigilant.

I wonder if I will look back as an old man with fondness upon the antiquities I grew up with. Green screens, knobs and buttons, libraries. I wonder if these youngsters will ever know such primitive things, or need to know about them. I wonder if we are the first of a generation or the last of our kind?

Wednesday, September 29, 2010


Purpose, attraction, and void. The soldier's dreams and the unknown awake. There is a sickness about the soldier's sleep, how he kills and slices and murders to make a meaningful life of sorts. The void is ineffectual during the slaughter, but upon waking, disorientation and lust. Open eyes see the sex is all dead. The soldier is off the battlefield and the corpses left behind is all there is to love. And after such murderous thrills how can he settle for such lifeless life?

Sunday, September 26, 2010


I have nothing to say
Because nothing I care about is real
Happy isn't real
Just like most other things.

Only delusion is real
And I live in delusion
And I am delusional to think
That anything is more fulfilling
Than these delusions

So I stay silent fearing speaking
May destroy such wonderful delusions

Tuesday, September 21, 2010


Walked up to my friend on the streets of Portland when he slapped me in the face and asked me, "What the fuck are you doing here!?" I could not answer him.